my father ( a self-proclaimed redneck) once said "you can't polish a turd..and if you try, you'll just end up with shit all over your hands"..my mother then threw a jar of Prego at him...I'm lucky I can even read.
Ask me Stuff!
Hello Williamsburg - Jolie brought us Champagne!!
Goodbye Lower East Side :(
I’m a Brokerage Director for a life insurance Brokerage Agency which means:
A.) I’m Chandler on Friends, no one (including family) knows/understands anything I do at work.
B.) Our office wholesales life insurance to individual brokers.
There is almost nothing more satisfying than telling an asshole broker that his client’s life is not worth insuring (i.e. 31 y/o single male addicted to ADD medication and unemployed for the last 4 years.)
I opened my front door this morning and found a September Wine & Spirits bag hanging on the doorknob, with a note scrawled across it that read, “Over the years… Matt”
Inside were lighters. The lighters that the hoarder down the hall has been stealing from me for the past four years. You know? I deliberately buy the world’s most hideous lighters just so people can’t steal them from me, except that (1) this and (2) last week I picked up a lighter at Andrew’s house and was like, “Oh hey, there’s my Fenway lighter!”
I will definitely miss living across the hall from Jolie & robbing her blind. When I leave in the morning to go to work, I usually hear her dustbuster or her Kitchen Aid going. She’s getting married & I’m moving to Williamsburg. I guess things eventually have to change but these last four years have been wonderful. She helped me through grad school & my father’s death. You never truly appreciate what you have until you lose it.
I’m bringing back Stuffed Peppers…next the Fiero
I found my first cellphone!!
I’m moving at the end of this month and I’m too cheap to buy boxes so I’ve been stealing them from work (our copy paper is now neatly stacked on the coat closet floor.) Yesterday on the subway, a woman offered up her seat because she thought I got laid-off.
bought a $3 blazer off a street fence because it never made it to 70
Me & Kiki on the WillyB - makin’ it rain (i’m not pregnant, just fat again.)
Dear old people:
Please retire. You’re like 74 and still “working”. You’re only slowing things down and young people need jobs.
Please, just stop.
Matt
