May 2013
11 posts
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Williamsburg.
For the life of me I couldn’t wedge my bike into my building’s bike rack, I finally look over and ask myself: “why in the hell does the bike next to me have two rear tires?” It didn’t. It was a regular bike and then a fucking unicycle locked up next to it. Conclusion: someone in my building rides a fucking unicycle.
There’s no grocery store near me so I...
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Savor the small moments
I’m a Brokerage Director for a life insurance Brokerage Agency which means:
A.) I’m Chandler on Friends, no one (including family) knows/understands anything I do at work.
B.) Our office wholesales life insurance to individual brokers.
There is almost nothing more satisfying than telling an asshole broker that his client’s life is not worth insuring (i.e. 31 y/o single male...
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I’m moving at the end of this month and I’m too cheap to buy boxes so I’ve been stealing them from work (our copy paper is now neatly stacked on the coat closet floor.) Yesterday on the subway, a woman offered up her seat because she thought I got laid-off.
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Dear old people:
Please retire. You’re like 74 and still “working”. You’re only slowing things down and young people need jobs.
Please, just stop.
Matt
April 2013
12 posts
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Rendit would be so proud of me: Just corrected a pushy 60-something year old ”business man” at Cafe Europe for leaning & pointing over the glass partition at the Create-your-own salad bar station. I held my breath for as long as I could but when he pushed me into the guy in front of me so he could point (and breathe) over to the bean sprouts, I lost it. I think my exact words were...
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god sometimes this job is like herding retards, but without the satsifaction of helping people with actual special needs.
March 2013
13 posts
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It’s amazing how many people at the Hartford, CT Bus Station are wearing Burberry and Louis Vuitton. I figured if you have that kind of money, you wouldn’t be hanging out with me at a bus station on a Friday night.
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Have you ever gone for like 6 hours with no one responding to your emails and texts and wondered if you are really dead and you just don’t know it yet? If I am dead, I just changed the sheets for the new tenant.
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new Front Desk Attendant at gym: “Hi - How are you?!”
external voice: “well and you?”
internal voice: great. one more fucking human being I have to interact with on a daily basis.
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I really have to stop commenting on Yahoo! articles.
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February 2013
15 posts
“You kinda look like Clark Kent today..minus the bone structure and warm...”
– as I pass by locker room mirror
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“He’s french like the dressin’”
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are ash smudges the new Livestrong bracelets?
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tech guy: well Matt, it looks like you have spyware on your computer
me: That's so funny because I always feel like somebody's watching me and I have no privacy
tech guy: ............................................................should I remote in?
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do you people work?? how in the hell are you traveling all the time? have you been hoarding vacation pictures for the last six years and you’re just now posting them?
