Why do latino men with chubby faces shave their beards into a line where their jaw bones should be? Do they really think the illusion is working?
Dear neighbor: I know your people have to have music playing constantly, but it is 6:15 in the morning. It must be nice to have a fiesta every night, but I actually have to work in the morning. While you and your dead-beat husband spend all day breeding like roaches, I have to haul my functioning alcoholic-ass into Manhattan everyday for work, because unlike you, I am not able to live off the...
me: Happy Rape and Pillage Native Americans day! meghan: thanks, you’re gross. what are you doing for the holiday? me: wearing my headdress to walmart on black friday meghan: can you pick me up a plasma? me: only if we can watch dances with wolves
dear baby jesus: you ignored my requests last week for vodka and raw oysters for breakfast so I am really hoping you pull through on this one. Please persuade Hillary Clinton to grow her bob back. Also, I wish she would start wearing headbands again. Sincerely, Matt p.s. please stop touching my naughty parts while I sleep, i almost made love to my teddy ruxbin this morning
step mom: I just witnessed a bad car accident but I didn’t even stop. The kid was driving like an asshole and he flipped into the median. I was so pissed that he cut me off that I just continued driving home. me: are you sure we’re not related?
DEAR YANKEE W.A.S.P's
Don’t ever correct a southern person’s grammar. 98% of us are packing heat. If you don’t like the way we talk, then don’t talk to us. And quit bragging about how you can be traced back to the Mayflower. No one gives a shit.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!!!!!!! to the vodka bottle on...
On Saturday I went on an actual date (without giving away my flower) with someone I met on dudesnude.com (Manhunt for us poor gays). He was extremely attractive but unfortunately I’ve had better conversations after 4 dirty martinis with my living room radiator. He kept asking me loaded questions like I was in an interview, like: what do you like to do for fun? What the hell does that mean? I...
for the last two weeks I feel like I have had nothing interesting to say. I only have a couple of observations: 35 y/o gay guys that wear abercrombie: stop..its gone, let it go. and highlights never look good on a man..just stop big women that drive small cars: it doesn’t make you look smaller, it just makes you look poor, unless it’s a hybrid..even then, try and spring the the...
Jon: How would you like to date a doctor with his shit together? Me: Is he Italian or Latino? I’m in Tony Danza phase right now Jon: no, but I know an Acura salesmen out in Queens that might be your type.
the true side of GM: first you discontinue the El... →
Dear Baby Jesus: I am going to go to the restroom; while I’m gone please replace all of my coworkers with care bears and place a dirty Kettle One martini on my desk along with a dozen PEI oysters with horseradish and lemon wedges. If this wish is granted, I promise to stop yelling “I’m Jewish, leave me alone” when asked by coworkers if I’m doing anything for...
I feel a new sense of American pride today and I can finally stop looking at Montreal apartments on craigslist.
Dear Baby Jesus: Please stop telling me to do naughty things to the guy sleeping next to me on the bus. I think he might beat me up (in a bad way) if I continue to feel up his leg. Matt