i want a baby
so I can get get a seat on the train..I’m gonna buy a cabbage patch kid and wrap him up in a blanket..I will never stand again. I will also use him to cross busy streets here in Manhattan. I will toss “my son” into traffic. When all the cars slam on their brakes, I will calmly walk through the crosswalk, bending down to pick up my baby of course and I’ll be on my way. ...
twirling to thiness
I was surprised to see how packed the gym was today when I went on my lunch hour..then I remembered this weekend is Pride here in NYC. Apparently all the slightly overweight bitter gay men are trying to get thin by this Sunday’s Tea Dance…um yeah…as a former personal trainer, I can tell you that twirling a 7 pound body bar while sippinga frappuccino and humming Kylie...
it’s 10:30 am and I’ve already visited every website that exists..now what till 5:00
I met my friend today at wichcraft in Bryant Park for a $9 chicken salad sandwich that would leave Karen Carpenter yearning for more when I noticed he had a bluetooth in his ear….now I know how my dad felt in the 80’s when he couldn’t afford a Delorean :(
they denied my guest pass because my cheekbones aren’t pronounced enough and I answered no on the questionnaire when ask if I had eaten at a jean george restaurant in the last 4 weeks. They did however let me workout there yesterday afternoon since they could sense I was not above making a scene. (i think its the trans am tattoo on my forearm that gave me away) Once inside inside the...
Me: Hey I just wanted to let you know that my train arrives at 8:27 tonight, not 8:57 as you left on my voicemail. Dad: hold on, this phone sucks Dad: What time? Me: 8:27 Dad: Can’t wait, say Hi to Collette (step mom) Me: I’m at work and I gotta go Dad: Oh come on, say hi Me: I mean it, my boss is in my office Dad: Then why the hell do call me? Say hi to Nemo then(the cat) Me:...
So I called her fat.
justsayjolie: I’m at Giggle buying a baby gift and some bitch cut me in line. When I called her on it she goes “I have to rush home to breastfeed - do you have to rush home to breastfeed?” um no bitch, my nanny does that you peice of trash..and who gave you permission to make eye contact with me? Crawl back to York Avenue where you belong.
Meghan: when did we get old? Beer Pong’s not even fun anymore Matt: beer pong was never fun Meghan: I feel like shit, I’m never staying up till 3:30 again…speaking of 30, you have a big surprise coming in december! Matt: don’t say it bitch, I’ll cut you Meghan: YOUR’E OLDER THAN ME!! Matt: my dermatologist says I have the skin of a fetus Megan: that’s is...
life insurance or water sports
my boss has asked me to redesign our company website..my proposal is sure to blow him out of the water. Our new website will have the variety of xtube and the poignancy of seancody.com. I will give Estate Planning a new face…covered in splurge
“Ladies and Gentlemen, we’ve had some excitement at the Union Square station...– Conductor on the 4 train this morning. (via pinkhotel) Dr. Sidd hates 4,5,6 line! (via siddman)
cheese biscuit anyone?
for father’s day my dad wants a gift certificate to Red Lobster… my gene pool is fucked.
yeah I can hear you now...
Thank you “Maria” for sharing the dissolution of your relationship with “Javier” or “Mario” or whatever the fuck his name is. Thank you for talking so loud on your cell phone that we all on the D line could be a part of this tragic, but apparently magical moment of your life. Thank you for stretching that forever 21 top over your Jabba the Hut body…Thank...
I just saw a fat 40 year old guy in skinny jeans walking down 41st Street..his profile looked like a snake that just swallowed patio furniture..I tried getting a picture on my blackberry but he ran into the GAP…like they’re going to be able to help him
I miss the shooting range..
Ever since Sunday (my first visit to a shooting range) I have been picking up anything that slightly resembles a rifle and pretend shooting it at everyone in my line of sight…I even make the “psh psh” sound.. covering my victims in spit. my coworkers are pissed…and wet
dressed for success
my sunburned coworker came in today with puerto rican flags painted on her finger nails and she’s walkin bow legged..I’m not going to lie, I’m a little envious
The Clampett's journey to PA
Me: hey, just calling to see if you all made it up to PA in one piece. Dad: yeah we did and your stepmother’s cat shitted all over the car..for a while she thought Nemo died, I was ready to throw it out the sunroof on I-95. Dad: we then stop in North Carolina because I have to piss and I get back in the car and the fuckin’ alarm would shut off..after an hour I said fuck it and we drove all the...
on a lite note
Dow falls 300 points and Oil jumps $10 to $139 a barrel.. why don’t we all just fucking kill ourselves!!!
rules of life
1.) never piss off customer service (i.e. excessive sighing, sarcasm or becoming belligerent will only make them cancel your life insurance policy or lose your “service request”) 2.) always tip hairdressers well…they will fuck you up 3.) always be friendly to servers, they will spit in your food or worse..(this includes difficult orders or not knowing what you want after 10...