White Leather Palace

Hipsters don’t usually bother me because they’re so thin…they hardly take up any space on the subway and rarely get in my way…but there is this 34 year old, fat hipster dumb fuck guest judging on tonight’s Iron Chef and he just looks ridiculous..

“It is hard being perfect, because I have to stare at your flaws all day long”

coworker: reading industry journal..”Man, 16 million people don’t have health insurance in the United States”

me: “who cares?”

coworker: “dude, That’s so wrong”

me: “shut up you glossy eyed liberal”

coworker: “are you a Republican?”

me: “I will be when I get my next raise”

If loving you is wrong, I don’t want to be right
Am I wrong to fall
So deeply in love with you…
Knowing you’ve got a wife and two little children
Depending on you too
Am I wrong to hunger
For the gentleness of your touch…
Knowing you’ve got someone else at home
Who needs you just as much

Oh Barbara Mandrell, you home-wrecking bitch, I love you and your totaled Jaguar too!

Hi Matt, I may not available for tonight or tomo, cos’i have something to do with my wife. How about Friday around 7pm ? I work in L.I so I can cum on my way to ur place, after we fucking then i going to the gym !
please give me ur full address & zip code, I have GPS

Be good/ Eric

-Never judge fat people at the gym, at least they’re there and they’re trying to make a difference, however, if you reek like sour cream & onion potato chips, please stay home.

-Do not hoard multiple sets of dumbbells at your bench, you get one set and that’s it..you’re no better than anyone else, even if you have 18” biceps..I may not be able to beat you up, but I can still stab you and you will most likely die.

-When doing cardio, please wipe off your machine, even if you’re the cutest, little UES chick in the place, I don’t want to touch your body’s excreted filth.

-You can grunt when heavy lifting, but be aware most of the women are making fun of you and I’m probably getting hard.

-Circuit training between multiple machines is absolutely fine as long as the gym is dead.. You cannot tie up three different machines during peak hours because you have Attention Deficit Disorder and most likely should have been aborted.

-Cell phone use is only permitted in the lobby, no one wants to hear your stupid dinner plans or how Netflix fucked up your recent order.

-Do not walk excessively fast around the gym while bumping into others, not everyone is cracked out on Hydroxycut..take it down a notch, bitch..I will trip you.

-Have your key tag ready when checking into the gym. Suprise!! They don’t have retina scanners!!  Now I get to stare at you for 45 seconds while you dig through your cheap ass $30 Nine West purse looking for your keys.

-Don’t spit gum in the water fountains…I can’t believe I have to write this one…I’m from fucking Florida and even I know better.

-Lastly, if you’re a straight man in New York City, don’t be surprised to find some action in the sauna and/or steam rooms.  I know this isn’t fair but if you really want to sit in a hot box filled with sweaty men, you’re probably at least bi-curious.

justsayjolie:

blakeley:

fusioned:

OK, let’s go on one of those reblogging sprees where you fill in the answers and shit.

Here we go: What’s your dream job? Why do you want this job? What would you do at this job

Ideally I’d continue to work in media until I became bored with it. Then I’d like to open a bar with McGlynn somewhere in the city. It’ll be called Blakeley’s and have several beers on tap, kind of look like Spring Lounge and would be frequented by all sorts of media types.

I’d like to open a brothel - Madam Jolie has a nice ring, non?! - next door to Blakeley’s Bar (location, location, location, built in client base.)

I can totally picture it: Olde timey and girly and Victorian and just a touch macabre, all tricked out in crimson and hot pink velvet draperies and flocked wallpaper, with befringed settees and silken tuffets scattered about and smelling vaguely of roses. And I’d lovingly prepare baked goods every day for my girls and for my johns - lemon squares and petits fours and oh my goodness there would have to be tea sandwiches! - and offer free WiFi and really, really good bourbon! And this would be my uniform!

Now then. How do I make this happen?

 I wanna be a fluffer..and get paid for it

I love it when I call tech support and they get frustrated with me because I can’t navigate as quickly as they can..which is why I DON’T WORK IN FUCKING TECH SUPPORT!!

I just chased a bus two blocks with a bicycle tire in my hand only to find out that it was “Not in Service”…I’m like the Forrest Gump of Bay Ridge

homophile:

Since today seems to be Abortion Day on Tumblr, I have a small confession to make.

I can’t think of, look at or hold coat hangers without thinking about illegal abortions. I guess it has something to do with all those years of arguing with pro-lifers and looking at their weird, demented websites. I don’t know. My mind just goes there. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t sort my laundry without thinking about Vera Drake.

For instance, Mary Rambin recently wrote:

YOU NEED THESE!

These hangers are the best thing that ever happened to my closet. Not only are they super skinny, but their velvety covering also keeps my clothes from slipping off.  AND! They are sturdy enough to hold at least three pieces each (which is an absolute necessity in the box I call a closet).

And all I read was:

YOU NEED THESE!

These hangers are the best thing that ever happened to my uterus. Not only are they super skinny, but their velvety covering also keeps my fetuses from slipping off.  AND! They are sturdy enough to hold at least three fetuses each (which is an absolute necessity in the box I call a vulva).

I am going straight to hell.

if you work in the fashion district (and ingest solids) there’s this great place for lunch on 40th and 7th called Wholesome Wraps..the owner is this beefy Greek guy and he gives you free stuff all the time if you’re a regular.  The food is great, his ass is even better!

on another new york note: I am asking all of you to join with me to make this city a better place to live.  From Monday-Friday until October 1st, I am asking my fellow new yorkers to carry a small stick with them.  These sticks should be fairly strong and can be personalized with stickers of your choice or even painted with tinsel hanging from the ends.  I want you to then insert your personally decorated stick into the spokes of the first bike courier you see.  (This will not work at red lights so you may have to wait until they start peddling when the light turns green). When said bike courier flips off their bike, I want you then to spit (yes ladies, even you) on the mangled carcass that lays before you as you step over them. We have to rid our city of these little evil motherfuckers.  I have done my part, but I need your help. 

“Hallmark, known more for its Midwest mores than progressive greetings, has added a wider variety lately. It now offers cards for difficulty getting pregnant or going through rehab.”

How does the rehab card read?  Hope you’re still fun when you’re sober.

My suggested text for the difficulty getting pregnant card: Maybe its God telling you that you shouldn’t reproduce

I think I would like to invent universal color coded cards that you can give to someone when you your own words will fail you.  Examples of these situations would be first dates, the morning after or even while in a relationship.  These universal cards would make it easy to express how you really feel about the person and/or the dissolution of the relationship without actually having to say anything or being cliché.

A Red card would mean: This was an awesome first date and I really want to see you again as soon as possible or if you’re already in a relationship: it could mean, I really love you and I haven’t cheated yet.

An Orange card would mean: The date went well, I may want to see you again or  I may not so don’t hold your breath because I’m hoping someone better comes along..no offense.  Or if you’re in a relationship, this card could mean: hey, I love you…but, you’re getting fat and I’m gonna cheat soon.

A Yellow card would mean:  I had fun on this date but we’re never gonna have sex, good luck on your future endeavors.  If you’re in a relationship, this card could mean: I’m no longer attracted to you, but I will give you six months to pull yourself back together…and because we’re tied up in a lease..and I’m gonna fight you for this apartment.

A Green card would mean:  This date was filled with awkward silences and I think you’re probably socially retarded, but I really want to fuck you so lets meet again real soon and fuck..I can’t promise that we’ll be fuck-buddies though.  If you’re in a relationship, this card could mean: I love your body; your personality is as interesting as talking to patio furniture.  (Melanie Griffin & Antonio Banderas)

A Blue card would mean:  This date was wonderful and I want to be your friend…and you’re never getting inside of me.  If you’re in a relationship this card could mean: I love living with you and treasure our conversations, but I am sleeping with the Dallas Cowboys.

An Indigo card would mean:  This date went perfect and I find you incredibly sexy but you caught me at a real bad time, work is crazy and I have 5 out-of-town weddings the next 5 weekends in a row; keep my number and call me in a year.  If you’re in a relationship, this card would mean: I love you, but we’re both type A, hopefully we’ll have time to have sex this week, have you seen my blackberry charger.

A Violet card would mean:  Hey, shit for brains..get the fuck away from me.  This date was horrible; I am going to go home and scrub myself with Tilex to get the smell of you off of me.  If you’re in a relationship, this card could mean: I’ve been peeing in your shampoo bottle for the last 2 years.  I want to rip your face off and I going to suck you dry in court.  And yes,  I did give you the clap.

justsayjolie:

Things I’ve eaten today:

3 cups of coffee
toast with cucumbers

Guess I’m about due up for a delicious plate of lettuce!

lunch = ice chips with sea salt..I wanna see your circulatory system by this afternoon!!

hey guys, stop shaving your bush..it doesn’t make your junk look bigger…it just makes you look like a 16 year old that owns a set of hair clippers and has too much time on their hands

Todd English, you’re a fucking prick and how dare you soil my favorite show: Iron Chef.  You know nothing about cooking you fucking hack pizza chef.  I have been dragged to several of your restaurants and never enjoyed any of your shitty “nuevo American” cuisine you pretentious fuck.  You have even infiltrated New York by shitting at the base of the W Hotel and calling it  ”Olives” while smiling with your veneered grin.  The only person I despise more than you is Mitt Romney and at least he has good bone structure.

It always stinks when someone is head over heels for you but you don’t feel the same in return.  They are always thoughtful and treat you better than the normal meat-heads you pursue, but the attraction just isn’t there. You don’t want to hurt this person because you’ve been on the receiving end many of times but at the same time you don’t want to lead them on.  I was crushed for about a year when I was last dumped..I thought that guy was the one..he had it all: brains, brawn & a dry sense of humor..but in the end he just wasn’t that into me, which sucked..and now I’m realizing how awkward it must of been for him, as I am sure he didn’t want to hurt me.

tylercoates:

I bought a PedEgg. I am unimpressed.

nothing beats a cadbury

if you go limp during sex, please don’t try and get yourself hard for 25 minutes while explaining this has never happened before…I got shit to do and blue balls is NOT on that list…and then when I tell you not to feel bad because it happens to everyone at one point or another, don’t reply “oh I’m not embarrassed, I’m just curious as to why this is happening”…BE EMBARASSED you dickless wonder…for those 25 minutes, I’m not thinking about you while I finish myself off, I’m thinking how my ex itialian bodybuilder boyfriend never had this problem.

rodtownsend:

whiteleatherpalace:

When someone closes their eyes when kissing, do you ever wonder if it’s because they’re “in the moment” or because they’re thinking of someone else?

Maybe their vision isn’t that great and they don’t like seeing a distorted image.

aka?

Sometimes it’s not about you.  (And I’m saying that in a nice way, btw.)

 or maybe its because they just died in my arms tonight…i had to

tylercoates:

Neither Leah nor I could remember what Dick Van Dyke’s character’s name was, so I had to text my mother. She just got back to me.

Crate & Barrel has a sofa called the Petrie which resembles their couch in the show..it’s very sad that I know this.

When someone closes their eyes when kissing, do you ever wonder if it’s because they’re “in the moment” or because they’re thinking of someone else?