Diane Keaton has never used pepper spray to ward off Woody Allen.
siddman: “Saddlebacking: the phenomenon of Christian teens engaging in unprotected anal sex in order to preserve their virginities.” After attending the Purity Ball, Heather and Bill saddlebacked all night because she’s saving herself for marriage. - Savage Love I knew I was Christian for a reason
Courtney: I think this guy in my class likes me, he seems to have his shit together, I might actually talk to him Me: That’s great, I’ve met someone too. Courtney: Really? Who? Me: his name is Joe, he’s a Trader Courtney: a Day Trader? Me: no, he’s a trader of wine, I’m holding him right now Courtney: you’re an idiot
I have a new personality and he's straight!!
#4: “I wanna turn your NuvaRing into my tongue ring.”
Dear L train Latina: If you’re going to be a bitch, you better have the looks to back it up. You don’t, so sit down and cover your face. Maybe you should lighten up on the hair gel as well, you look like you just crawled out of an oil spill.
Movies that are not meant to be watched with your...
feistyred: tylercoates: (via everyone) I SAW ELECTION WITH MY MOTHER IN THE THEATER. Fatal Attraction- I was 7 and it was one of the first movies I had ever seen in a theatre. My mom really wanted to see it. I saw Dirty Dancing with my mother, I was 9. My mom made me gay.
I just received THIS email from someone I actually...
antikris: Why does my day need to start this way? “whats up how u bin how u fillin these days” I take it this person works at T-Mobile.
Ever since I was a kid, I’ve always wanted a gun. I grew up around guns and never really saw the big deal with them. Now I am starting to think I shouldn’t get one. Working with brokers all day, I sometimes dream of shooting them point blank in their face so I am splattered with the remnants of their skull and brains. I wouldn’t even immediately shower; I would just sit in...
Homeless man with prosthetic leg enters L train and starts asking for change Personality 1: “Poor guy, homeless and an amputee, is there even a god?” Personality 2: “I wonder if I offered him 20 bucks for his metal leg, would he take it. Would he get off at the next stop or would he continue to hobble through the train cars and get even more cash since he didn’t even have a prosthetic...
I’m gonna fuck the nuvaring right out of you.
Vice Presidential Handlers Lure Cheney Into...
funtime: mermay: WASHINGTON—A team of nine specially trained handlers have successfully lured outgoing vice president Dick Cheney into a reinforced steel traveling crate in order to transport him back to his permanent enclosure in Casper, WY, official sources reported Monday. “He’s a smart one. Once he sees the crate, he gets pretty nippy, but we’ve learned a few tricks over the years,” chief...
beauty tip of the day:
kill yourself and maybe you’ll be reincarnated as someone pretty.
advice from an older gay friend: “if you EVER date ANYONE with a key to Gramercy Park, you marry him (he screeches while grabbing my shoulder)..Matt, no matter what he looks like, no matter how old he is, you seal the fucking deal.” why? Its just a park, I don’t see the big deal. What if I just jumped the gate this summer and laid out in my Dominican flag speedo eating a bucket...
friend from Boston: I’m doing great, just got promoted to VP of distribution and am in charge of 3 Account Managers and 2 National Sales Directors. No babies yet, Patrick and I are too busy being Boston yuppies with puppies. How are you? How’s New York? me: I’m in charge of 9 of the 12 voices in my head
How come a 4 year old can operate a train set, but the MTA can’t make subways arrive on time when it rains? Hopefully in the future the New York City subway will be completely automated and all the new robots will execute the previous union scum conductors in the middle of Union Square for all of us to see.
me: This is the best 3 dollars I have ever spent (rubbing my shirt vigorously with a Tide pen) coworker: it really works huh me: yeah, I don’t even do laundry anymore, on Saturdays I just blow out a couple of lines and sit down with my Tide pen