I’m not sure which is worse, the fact that I’m watching NASCAR or that Gavin Rossdale is opening the race.
i made it today without vomiting in the office
last one I promise..
having sex with Julia Allison is like sticking your dick in the Lincoln tunnel, you don’t feel a thing and it costs you 8 bucks
drunk in tjmaxx
Courtney: “oh, I need dish towels” Me: those are vinyl placemats
The great thing about being an alcoholic…NO RERUNS!!!
me: I can’t get this system to run?! coworker: “I’m sorry I’m not able to help you Matthew but I have an MBA, not a Master’s Degree in Special Education.”
What’s more pathetic than watching House Hunters?? The people on House Hunters
Months in current position: 11 months Average number of conference calls per month: 28 Minutes I’ve known that my mute button really isn’t a mute button: 4
A-Rod is very sorry for whatever you're mad at him...
conorgriff: Alex Rodriguez tested positive for some banned substances during the not-secret and not-anonymous testing conducted in 2003 and he is really good at hitting a baseball, which has made a lot of people not like him out of either a) jealousy (fellow players and fans of opposing teams) or b) his reluctance to hit a home run every single time he comes up to bat (Yankee fans and...
I never liked Trix because those children were ignorant…not giving food to...– Bass (via dazzlingdelta) In high school there was this redneck that used to wear a t-shirt with the Trix bunny on it and it said “silly faggot, dicks are for chicks”..I know it’s terrible but I couldn’t help laughing everytime I saw it.
Nobody likes Jimmy Buffett except frat boys and alcoholic chicks from the south– Eric Cartman
In honor of Valentine’s Day, I wrote a poem about my ex-boyfriend! (It’s called Healing) Dear Joe, it’s been about two years Since you broke my heart, like a gift card from Sears You said you loved me and that you’ve never met anyone like me before Since you dumped me, I’ve turned into a complete whore I still try and fill the void you left, literally I miss your beer can dick, I hope it...
all I want is a Knob Creek Manhattan & a gun permit