lactose intolerant woman fatally injured by...
So I was watching the Food Network on Sunday and this bitch and her obviously gay fiancée won their wedding reception to be catered by the Food Network. This twat then goes on to list everything she does not like and then finally says, “I don’t eat dairy, I’m lactose intolerant..” Really bitch…really. ..guess what, about 80% of the human race is fucking lactose intolerant and we still eat it,...
Lisa: "Do you think your neighbors know you’re gay?"
Me: "Are you kidding me? It’s like a freakin’ united colors of Benetton commercial when you’re not here."
New Low: I wanna fuck the dumb guy on the left in the Ocean Spray commercials.
mirror mirror on the wall, who's the cheapest of...
Personality 1: “why is their glitter on my hand?” Personality 2: “god you’re gay, you’re leaching glitter” Personality 3: “no..he’s cheap, remember he bought this face lotion on-sale at duane reade and didn’t even bother to read the bottle?” Personality 1: “so, you mean people weren’t staring at me this morning on the L train...
and the father-of-the-year award goes to..
dad’s voicemail 8am this morning: “Hey Matt, I worked the Gun Show this weekend at the fairgrounds and got you a shit-load of NRA stickers for your front door.”
and you thought domestic violence wasn't funny
me: did you get tan in Mehico or are you still honkey white?
Jon: I'm the same bronze color as Rihanna but without the black &blue
YumSugar: Fat Prince Cocktail →
justsayjolie: This is the kind of drink I’d have two of and find myself on my knees under the table blowing some banker I’d met 45 minutes earlier. my princess never fails me
I send you a picture of my love sausage and you don’t say anything??– future Mr. Miller
me: Did you hear about Martha Stewart's dog? :(
Courtney: I don't care. She makes shitty towels.
I just got an email with a subject line that says: “Give her a Big Surprise” from a Michael McAnus…do you think it’s spam?
and for the record..
I’m not racist, I hate everyone equally
signs that you're ghetto
-you use body spray as perfume -your car payment is more than your rent -you’ve been in a fight at Daffy’s on 34th St. -your Christmas tree has colored lights, some of which are outdoor bulbs -you have a Nextel -you have a Victoria Secret’s credit card -you were named after a car [Alexus, Porsche, etc.] -you chew gum 90% of the time you are awake -you wear PJ’s to the grocery store on the...